The Filorux

karkatsjazzhands asked: Hi Dylan! I'm the Karkat that you met at BAMcon, if you remember me. I somehow magically stumbled over your Tumblr, and I just wanted to say hi.

HELLO, AND YES, THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE WILL BE IN CAPS, AND YES, I DO REMEMBER YOU, DO NOT STEAL ANYMORE HANDS!!

Blah Blah Blah Depression.

So. About an hour and a half ago I finished having a big mental break down. All the good stuff, suicidal thoughts, crying, screaming, swearing, yelling, beating myself in the head. Yes, fun stuff. It’s partially my fault, I haven’t been taking my medication for a day or two… But what set it off was something ridiculous. I upset someone and instantly began to think that they hated me because of it, and you know what? Despite knowing I was wrong I still kept thinking, “They hate me. They hate me. They hate me.” And knowing that I was getting upset over nothing made me angry, so very angry. It sparked off all of my self hatred and loathing, and I literally started to beat myself up.

I’ll be honest here, I really don’t like who I am. I hate my body, I have a stomach that makes me feel fat, stretch marks that make me feel disgusting, and an oblong ass that makes me feel unattractive. I hate my brain, because if I’m so god damn self centered that if I don’t get what I want I get upset. This of course makes me even more upset because I know I shouldn’t BE this distraught to begin with, and then it just snowballs into a giant mess of self hatred and sobbing. Then there’s the time that I get upset and think about seriously injuring or killing myself, which just makes me all the more furious with myself because WTF why am I even thinking those kind of things? I know for a fact it’s not worth it. I feel selfish and disgusting, alone and unlovable and optimism just seems too much like bullshit to even bother trying.

It’s hard, so fucking hard, to think on the bright side, because it seems like you’re just being a happy little prat. Not that you’re doing much better as a pessimist, but optimism just seems annoying and fake. I want to really be happy, to really know that things are going to get better and be great and okay and all that, not to just feel like I’m pretending. I’d like to be optimistic really, but the looming fact of “You never know what will happen next,” just sort of gives any optimism a giant F.U.

Please don’t think, as always, that this is some ploy for attention, I’m just being real here, like I was last time. To be honest, the idea that I’m TRYING to get others attention just makes me hate myself even more, because I don’t WANT to be an attention whore. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I don’t want to be something that I hate or annoys me. I just don’t. So, all in all, I’m better now, I just took my meds, and there’s no reason to worry, blah blah blah. I just wanted to say something.

Store!

Hey there! I just opened up a store! There’s a link up top~